On sexuality and Coco De Mer.

April 29, 2014

Of the many things that I feel deeply impassioned about, the one that has been on my mind a lot (and I do mean a lot) lately is the frankly antiquated stance that female sexuality, or rather a woman who enjoys all things sexual and sensual, is a dirty and shameful thing.

I first read about FGM (female genital mutilation) when I was twelve in an article in Marie Claire. With the typical horrible fascination of a child I read Desert Flower. Even then I knew to be appalled by the idea that female sexuality and sexual desire was something to be feared and controlled by means of repression. I shan't rant about the barbarism of FGM here because I am not especially well-informed about the topic yetbut I do want to say my piece about the perception that a woman's value and her 'purity' are intrinsically linked.

The notion that women should not openly admit to enjoying sex, have as many sexual partners as men, or be sexual creatures the same way that men are, is ridiculous. I used to think it was an 'Asian men' thing, from my experience with them. One referred to a woman (fine, mine)'s sexuality as a snide jab, as if it's something shameful, sinful, and unnatural. This exchange transpired:

“You’re quite sexual aren’t you.”
“We all are! How do you think we came into this world? Immaculate conception? Jesus Christ, you're not."

I was 20, and henceforth have never dated another Asian man. 

Not just because they tend to be shorter than me when I wear heels.

But no, it's not just an Asian mentality. It's a 'small man' mentality. I call them small men, not boys, because I shan't tar all males under the age of eighteen with the same brush.

To call a woman wanton, to slut-shame, to ridicule…solely on the basis that she enjoys sex, is sexual (whether openly or not), wants to explore her sexuality with however many people she wants etc. is just another way of trying to take power away from someone for daring to be themselves. And honest. Who does that? Cowards, that's who...small men who are afraid of women, and try to keep them as girls. Infantilised, virginal, meek little creatures who won't fight for themselves. Or tell their boyfriends that they're bad in bed and just not doing it for them. That's the great thing about virgins, they don't know any better. They won't criticise and deflated your tiny (non)manhood.

Don't even get me started on females who slut-shame other females just because they perceive her as a threat, or as competition (competition for what? The attention of other men? They are not worth it), or out of any insecurity. Bad enough we have the male gaze and a patriarchal system in place that works against us, now we have to fight among ourselves and step on each other?! Women look out for each other and support each other. Just like how a flower doesn't think to compete with the flower next to it. It just blooms.

Their ignorance is more scandalous than anyone's promiscuity.

That said, that is a time and place to be sexy and/or sexual. It’s all about the appropriateness of the situation. If a woman showed up at a black-tie event or charity ball with all her bits out for the sole attention of being unnecessarily distracting, or to ensnare someone in the hope of weaselling herself into their income bracket, or just because they don't know how to look good aside from showing as much skin as possible, then that is trashy. And a tad unimaginative. Not slutty. She may wearing a whore’s uniform, but she may not be a whore. Unless of course sex is her profession, and that is another story entirely (if it's legal and she's paying taxes I don't really care, it's not my business. But it might be HMRC's).

And of course whatever a consenting adult does with another (and as many other) consenting adults** is their business. 

**I know the age of consent is 18 (or in some countries 16) and technically an eighteen year old is an adult, but in my opinion most eighteen year olds are still children. When you compare the mentality of an 18 year old against their, say, 28 year old suitor, that’s a huge world of difference. To me there’s a touch of predatory about it…I’d feel more comfortable calling my daughter an adult when she's 25, instead of shoving her out the door with a bag of condoms the moment she turns 18. In fact when I become a mother I will probably accompany my daughters on all their dates until they are thirty. Same goes with my sons just so I can be sure that they behave like gentlemen. Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

I'm going off on a tangent here, but long story short,

I wish for the day when women can be openly sexual and unabashedly celebratory of all sensual pleasures afforded to them (such wonderful gifts) without fear of backlash, stigma, and attacks (on their character, mental, and physical self)

Women of the world, regardless or whether they are single, married, in a committed monogamous/polygamous relationship, should never feel ashamed for being carnal. Your God didn't design you with the capacity for desire just to test you in some sadistic way. The body and all its infinite sensual pleasures are a beautiful gift, as is your health. If you're going to eat well, go to the gym, why not look after your sensual needs? It all comes down to your physical and emotional wellbeing.

Not to go into too personal details, but I take my pleasure very seriously. Although I'm far from a connoisseur I like to think that I know a good thing when I see it. And when it comes to purveyors of pleasure nobody gets it oh-so-right the way Coco De Mer do.

Londoners know Coco De Mer as the luxury lingerie and sex toy boutique on Monmouth Street, Covent Garden. 

I love how feminine, sensual, and invitingly warm it is, with touches of the unexpected (but always classy) at every sexy turn.

I love the selection of luxury masks and headwear and am especially inclined to this beauty by Paul Seville.

Everything about this gorgeous place screams opulence, from the luxurious restraints and luxury nipple wear...

...to gorgeous glass dildos that look like they belong displayed in a gilded gold cabinet in a museum, rather than stashed away in a bedside drawer...

The beauty of glass sex toys is that they are especially conducive to hot and cold which makes for an interesting play with temperatures. Chill in the fridge or run under warm water before playtime, whatever one fancies.

I highly recommend Lelo Luna love beads for practising and strengthening Kegel muscles. Especially for women who've just had a baby.

I love this vintage fur rabbit mask which I find slightly terrifying in the light of day, but in the shadows of a dungeon cast in relief by flickering candlelight I imagine this mask to take on a transformative effect, and become rather pagan...bestial even. 

I want this cushion so badly (and all of their home ware) but at £300+ I think I might just wait until my birthday. Far more affordable are their range of gifts. I have the c*nt colouring book by Tee Corinne, and I do want the Etat Libre d'Orange 'Jasmine et Cigarette' parfum (I fell in love with it in their Paris shop). Naturally accompanied by this 'I F*cking Adore You' cardthe perfect declaration of affection for those who do not find themselves naturally predisposed to saccharine, romantic gushing. Such a better present than the baskets of body lotion and scented lotions that people usually gift me (just stop, I appreciate it but I already have enough to open a apothecary).

Even their changing rooms are naughty, encouraging one to embrace one's inner exhibitionist...

...I wasn't quite comfortable with posing and posting any Instagrams of myself bedecked in nothing but lingerie (luxurious as they are) but I couldn't help slip a peek of the Persephone open cup bra...

Also, I have a pineapple on my face because I came straight from La Plage

Coco de Mer also do salons on sensual education. I'm gutted to miss the introduction to the art of Japanese rope bondage. But there are always the private salons...perfect for couples wanting to do something a little more exciting for 'date night' than just Netflix. 

My new additions to my box of delights...!


My purchases came with a gift of strawberry champagne truffles made by Montezuma chocolate. I was after the edible anus chocolates and so sad that they didn't have any in store. Butt I want them!

'Always be desired but never possessed'. Absolutely.

My other favourite is 'Freedom is deciding whose slave you want to be'.

My pillows are DIY 'F*ck/Sleep' pillowcases that I made with a fabric Sharpie because one is too Posh, Broke, & Bored (read: cheap) to drop $300 on the Kiki de Montparnasse originals. 

I should really iron my pillowcases...

I can't wait to go back to Coco de Mer for my next fix of sexy goodies. A truly worthy investment, after all a dirty mind is the true wellspring of joy.


  1. Your comment about a wore's uniform reminds me of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fL-1kHxsavI

    Not that I am criticizing women who dress slutty nor am I making any remarks about your post; this skit was just brought to mind, that's all.

    1. YES I was absolutely thinking of that skit when I wrote that, but forgot who it was by! Thank you for reminding me x

  2. I absolutely love this post! You write so well! You've wrote exactly what a lot of us Asian women think about our sexuality but could never put into words. Bravo!

    1. Thank you!
      We need to stick together and fight for our rights to be, well, ourselves! x

  3. Jasiminne for President!

  4. I love you and agree with everything you've just said! I'm going to check out Coco de Mer the next time I'm in London, thanks for the recommendation!

    Becca x

  5. Jasiminne, I'm a long time reader, first time poster. I just wanted to say how much I loved this post. Particularly the beginning, but, of course, the naughty bits too. :)

  6. Coco De Mer look amazing. Do they sell porn too? If not anything you recommend?

  7. ooh la love~!!!! is Coco De Mer in KL? x